and the days just keep coming

So within the past week or so I have gotten ridiculous amounts of sleep, more sleep = more healing for my knee. I can now walk without crutches, but turning right isn't really good, two lefts will have to do. I have been doing some strength exercises and stretches to help retain muscle in my leg. Every morning I wake up and I hope it's just all a bad dream, but it's not. Every morning I hope that some how miraculously it'll heal and go back to normal, but it doesn't. Life isn't fair, plain and simple. This is all surreal to me. I thought I had it all last month, but it all got taken away right before my eyes.

"Moving on doesn't mean what happened was acceptable. It means that you've chosen to no longer let it hold you back."

Day 8

Drum Roll Please ....

My diagnosis is:

1. Grade III MCL tear at the proximal femoral attachment
2. Flap tear of the free edge of the medial mediscus --> affects the the free edge of the body and posterior horn of the meniscus
3. Joint Effusion

Well I guess if there's something I know how to do, is do it damm good; I certainly did a good job at injuring  myself. I talked to my Dr. and he said that the MRI indicates that my weight + the guys weight all went on my right leg; I hyper-extended it and twisted it at the same time, leading me to where I am right now.
I was pretty bummed out because I was hoping to not go the surgery route. So now I have to figure out this insurance crap.

I stopped by my gym and showed my coach the paperwork. I think it's more harder on him than me; I can see he feels a lot of responsibility, but accidents happen. That is the way life is. Fighting is what makes me happy as weird as it sounds. The whole aspect of training, it's a soul saving process.

Day 7

My knee feels ultra stiff. I can sorta kinda walk on it, but with a right leg shuffle to it. I'm trying to push myself to get better day by day, but I don't want to over work my knee and make it worse. This sucks because the boys are playing flag football for Thanksgiving and I wanted to play =/   Oh well

Tomorrow is my big day. I find out the results for my MRI. ::crosses fingers:: I hope I get good news.

I've been having a hard time sleeping; too much on my mind. Bah!! What am I doing with my life? I need something to help clear my mind off of unncessary things now that I won't be able to train...what to do what to do what to do

P.S.

With my knee injury I have received a lot of good wishes and love. I didn't think that so many people cared. I feel very grateful to have so many people care about me and my well being. It gives a twist on my perspective on life. You know life is short; sometimes you get caught up in your emotions and tunnel vision of what you're going through that you forget about the people around you; the people that truly do care about you and enjoy your presence wether or not they tend to express it often enough or not. Enjoy life and the many moments it has to give to you.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has called or texted me wishing me better.

P.P.S. Thank you to Sub, Phenom, & Moms for a night of adventure & attempted surprise. Big 519'd it
           but totally made up for it with all the laughs and the rough whiskey.
          
           Thank you to Lori for driving all the way out from Concord and being my personal nurse for the day.

Day 5 + 6

Day 5
I got my MRI and thank goodness it wasn't in that little coffin one. It was an open room MRI, but I still had to lay on this bed thing. Then it pulls into this weird thing that's still small, but not as small as the coffin MRI machine. The sounds it makes are totally freaky and makes you wanna jump before some part of your body part gets cut off like in SAW. I think I was awake for the first 15 minutes of the MRI then I fell asleep, haha. The technician doesn't know how to read the charts, so I won't be able to find out the results until Mon. But everyone has concluded the same thing, there is a lot of water in my knee. whoo hoo. I would so rather have water in my knee than broken blood vessels.

Then I had dinner with my mom and family for her birthday. She is 43 years old, can you believe it? Such a young mom! She's been through hell and back and still standing. My mom might be that petite asian woman type, but she is such a fighter inside. i HEART her

Day 6
My best friend came over from Concord yesterday. Lori = great times. We ate at Semo Sushi in Fremont and of course Sam was working. Sam is really great since if you dont' know what you want, you just tell him what you're in the mood for. He'll just best out with this insane sushi masterpiece and *viola* you now have sushi goodness in your stomach. Since Semo closed before we were able to get dessert, we then took our fat asses over to T.G.I.F. to get dessert. Then pit stops to Target to buy some DVDs and Luckys to get beer. Then I wanted to feel total chic since I felt like crap inside, so we got manicures and pedicures. There's something about getting pampered that makes you feel so much better. So on our way home we stopped to get too many tacos since our eyes were bigger than our stomach.

We claimed the living room spreading it out with taco wrappers, beer bottles, and watched chick flicks. We laughed, we cried, and reminisced. I love Lori since I can be ALL of me with her. I can be the girl who trains to fight, the girl who tends to be cold hearted, the girl who's down for anything, the girl who stresses out about traveling, the girl who has to have everything a certain way, the girl who throws shit everywhere, the girl who gets emotional about the stupid things, the girl who just wants to have her chic moments, the girl that orders way more food than she can eat, and just well EVERYTHING. Lori is THE only person who has seen me at the darkest days and my brightest days. Her being there for me at this part of my life means a lot to me. She knows things nobody else knows, she feels what I feel. It's so funny because she is the sweetest thing ever; she'll be like "Ugh Im so upset, WE never saw this coming." She'll always say WE, like she's in it too. I LOVE THAT GIRL!!!!! What's the level about best friend? Sister right? What's the level above Sister? I have no idea...but whatever that is, that's what Lori is to me.

Day 4

800 mg

So yesterday I went to go see my good friend Ulyss Bidkaram aka my chiropractor. He took a look at my knee and first thing he says is "oh shit." I start tearing up because I know all my worst fears have come true. After several tests and licorice sticks, he has concluded that A) torn ACL    or    B) torn meniscus.

Biofreeze to sooth the physical pain for a moment's worth, wrapping my knee for compression, crutches to help me stay off of it, and 800 mg of Motrin to help the pain and bring down the swelling. Can you say goodbye tournament. You were so close, but yet now you are so far.

Despite the trauma to my knee, I am very grateful that it's bad and not the worse condition it can be in. Maybe it's a sign that I need to slow down? Maybe it's a test to see how bad I want to fight? or Maybe the universe just hates my guts and is slamming a whole bunch of crap down my throat. I really don't know.

Today's Thursday and it's not so bad. I finally got a good 6 hours of sleep. I can't work at Chili's this weekend due to my physically challenged body. I am really really trying hard to look at the bright side, but how bright is it when it looks so dim? Slowly but surely I'm gonna get back in the game, but for right now I just have to take care of myself.

I'm scheduled for an MRI tomorrow at 4pm. Wish me luck!

Day 3

I am mentally + emotionally + physically exhausted

I went to bed around 1am because I just couldn't sleep, just to wake up at 2am from an excruciating pain in my knee. I laid in bed hoping it would go away, 30 minutes later and it's not getting better. I basically crawled downstairs to get some ice for my knee. You would think putting ice on it would numb it and make it feel better? Nope..not this time. I finally give in and dose up on 600mg on Excedrin. All I can hear in my head is "You're all washed up." I don't know how I was able to doze back to sleep because I looked at the clock and it was about 430am. I woke up around 645 am contemplating if I should get up or not. So it took me about 20 minutes to get up from my bed, get my clothes, and slowly walk my ass to the bathroom.

I am delirious at this point. Last week I had a total of 23 hours of sleep from Monday - Saturday. This week from Sunday until today I've had 10 hours. I need sleep....but I can't sleep, too much on my mind and now too much physical pain to sleep.... what a wonderful way to start back into training 3 weeks before my fight. I don't even know if it'll pull through now...great. Just effen great

You're All Washed Up

Good News: I didn't gain any weight while in Vegas despite all of my alcohol and buffet intake
Bad News: I heard a loud ass POP while I was grappling. Loud Pop = hyper extending my knee

Why is it when I get sooooooooooo close to a fight, it either gets A) Cancelled   or   B) I get injured. Bad timing brah...really bad timing. I got 4 weeks and I need to run to cut down weight and build endurance.
December 12 in the city is that much awaited day....

Despite my knee feeling loose and my buckling every so amount of steps, I was able to throw my punches the way  I wanted to today. I let out a lot of build up; the release felt good and much needed. How did it end? I went for a combo of jab-jab-cross-body-body STOP! Twisting my hips resulted in my popping my knee YET AGAIN and making the pain worse. All I could hear was that STUPID STUPID STUPID VOICE in my head "you're all washed up." The logic in me said to leave training early and rest my knee. I left it all on the mat for the night and I'll come back Thursday with more to throw I AM SURE OF IT.

I hope tomorrow is a better day

Day 2

I am sooooooooo looking forward to grappling tonight. I am very fortunate to have found something that I love to do. I mean smiling when somebody takes my back trying for the rear naked choke and I'm working my way for the escape is pretty twisted isn't it? But I love every moment of it, haha. Going in for body slams adds to highlights of my night. The harder they fall the better it is. I'm gonna leave it all on the mat tonight, all the frustration, all the build up; it really needs to get released.

Last night I hung out with my best friend, more I should say sister, Lori. We talked, laughed, cried, chilled, it was great. Something I totally needed. Whenever I need her, swurr that girl is always there. It's moments like this I realize how fortunate I am; I have a family that loves me, a little brother who can totally break your brother off in dancing, a passion for fighting and a gym that is fully supportive, a job, a place of my own, people who care, and a sister who has been there for me through thick and thin. "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

Time in itself not only heals, it reveals all.

Day 1

The first step is always the hardest....keep walking and don't look back. It'll get better as time passes. It always will.

Day 1 is always the hardest. Let the healing begin. "Sometimes it's best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve."

constant thoughts

So I'm finally back from Vegas. I have never wanted to go back home so bad!!! I had fun spending time with friends and making ridiculous memories full of inside jokes.

I can't stop thinking though and my mind is spinning in so many directions. I'm gambling and I don't like it. Why? Because the odds are not in my favor, but I keep playin in the game. I think deep down inside part of my believes that my luck will turn around. But I know better than this, you shouldn't play with emotion, you need to play with logic. The odds are not in my favor, the highs are too high and the low is too low. I have more to lose than what there is to gain. It's a lot to put out on the line.

I have to remind myself that what I'm feeling isn't real. I'm just caught up in the moment of stolen moments... and that's what they really are... plain and simple point blank.

and when in doubt

Always protect yourself. That's is the number one rule in fighting. Always protect yourself. Keep your head in the game, don't second guess. Don't fall for the other person's strategy, stick to your own. Don't let your guard down. There is nothing that you haven't gone through before that can hurt you now. When it's all said and done, it's not a loss, it's a lesson learned. You are one step ahead of the game and more experience under your belt. Don't be arrogant, is what my coach always tells me. Fighting has taught me a lot about myself and especially during this "thing" I'm going through.

Lesson learned: always protect myself. ALWAYS PROTECT MYSELF. ALWAYS PROTECT MYSELF. ALWAYS PROTECT MYSELF. ALWAYS PROTECT MYSELF. I'm gonna let the dust settle and just lay low. I'm a bit livid about the things that just happened, so for my, everyone else, and all innocent bystanders sake, it's in the best interest of all parties that I cool down my temper.

F*KKAH! I should've known better...

Can you meet me halfway

I've had that song "Meet me Halfway" stuck in my head all day long... too many things on my mind and not enough time to do it.

I have to remind myself though, timing is everything. Perfect your timing and things will transition as they ought to; and for certain things that are out of your hands, let it be. It's all in your head, it's a game against yourself. I'm a very extreme type of person; I'm a sprinter, I'm a go-getter. It's a switch that's either on or off, decide. That's the type of mentality I've always had. I am learning though to go the middle distance. I've always said, If you want something really bad enough, you'll do anything and everything to get it. But I've been told Some of the best things in life you have to wait for. Little by little, I'll get there.

I'm pretty stoked though. My coach was talking about making plans on competing in Hawaii next year. :throws shaka: I wonder how he got that idea in his head?! mwahahaha. Ono grindz, bodies slamming on mats, swimming in the water, humid air, land is life. Hawaii baby, I'm coming at you! Stay ready

Getting There

It's been a rough 2 years of going to M.A.C.



I initially went there to just workout and start carving out my own life seperate from my significant other a.t.m. in Jan 08' (at the moment). As the months went on, I started to really enjoy what I've always wanted to do... fight. Then June of 08' I hurt my right wrist . I could not fully rotate it and my ligaments were overly pronated. I would show up to train, but not being able to throw your right hand and just jabbing all the time became frustrated. I stop going end of July and came back January 09'.



January 09' I start working out more intensely because I'm just itching for a first fight. I was in in the best shape I had been for a long time and down to 142 lbs. Day after day of practice I would work on improving bad habits I somehow picked up over time. I think it was the overwhelming pressure of getting that first fight out of the way that made me really push myself way too far, I injured my left wrist via Kimura June 09'.



It's really frustrating you know, working so hard and getting so close, but yet you're so far due to injury. It was a good thing I was going on vacation in July to Hawaii because I really just needed some time for myself and really think about fighting. I wondered, Am I wasting my time? Am I chasing a dream that only I can see? Hawaii really brought me back to my roots; the real essence of who I've always been. I've just been too caught up in a lot of crap to really remember. July 08 - July 09 was a years worth of time I went through a lot. I grew a lot and started to throw away the clutter that had started to collect in my life. The best part of this year's worth of growth, I finally felt like me.



Coming back from Hawaii, I felt miserable though. I really missed the island life and everything about it. I missed how my childhood felt in Guam and Hawaii really captured a lot of it. I a few weeks just sulking until one day my coach called me back to the gym. It's August 09' and I'm back in the gym throwing my right hand and it feels so good. I'm careful with my left wrist since it's injured, but I've been seeing a Chiropractor *insert shameless plug = Ulyss Bidkaram is the best in the business* and it totally speeds up the healing process of it all. I walked in at 162lbs after being gone for so long, eating all the wrong foods, and being a great anchor at flip cup, haha.



I'm down to 153 lbs and still shooting to get lower. My first match was scheduled October 17th @ Milpitas for a Grappling Tournament. It got cancelled due to "conflicting schedules with the Gracie Open and U.S. Open." Bummahs Brah! But when one door closes, another one opens. December 12 is what I'm looking forward to. I've been training hard and still trying to balance a full time job, a part time job, and going to school at night. How do I do it? I just wanna be the best that I can push myself to be and more. If that means I have to sacrifice then so be it. I'll sacrifice. I got a few tricks up my sleeve and great friends that support me.



This is my favorite picture so far. One of the biggest compliments I've gotten about my skills came from Val Ignatov. He said I was tough and if I keep it up, I'll be going places. He's a real nice guy, but if you roll with him, SWURRRRR your body will be hurting the next day.